The Cap’n’s Own Favorites Random Everything ARR! One-liners Stories Top 20 Cap'n's Picks Saucy jokes:OFF Nerdy jokes:ON On September 12, 2008, barnacle-bitten Ryan Huber said:
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Because they can spend years at C!
On February 20, 2007, seven-sea sailin' Cap'n KaySwissBouillabaisseParrotHookClaw said:
What did the pirate say when he visited piratejokes.net?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Harr Harrr HAAARRRR!!
On January 28, 2007, the sea-bitten Sarah said:
What's Captain Hook's favorite store?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ The Secondhand Shop!
On March 14, 2010, one-legged Belladonna said:
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels!
On March 15, 2006, regular scallywag Cap'n Karikas said:
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum. The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?" "Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"
On May 13, 2014, the most piratical Medicine Moll said:
What is a pirate's least favourite vegetable?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Leeks!
On July 22, 2010, the most piratical James Craven said:
Why did the pirate go to the Apple store?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ To buy an iPatch! (Aye Patch)
On September 28, 2007, scurvy knave The BOBS Fan said:
What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Rookie!
On July 27, 2006, the sea-bitten Jim V. said:
Did you hear about the pirate who took up boxing?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ He had a killer left hook!
On January 23, 2014, the dreaded Morien Jones said:
What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ I, I, R, and the 7 Cs.
On July 4, 2006, scurvy dog jennifer brown breath said:
What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Arrr! Me heartie!
On March 15, 2006, captain Cap'n Karikas said:
What's really a pirate's favorite letter?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ P! Because it's an R, but it's missing a leg!
On September 19, 2005, the most piratical Cap'n Karikas said:
What does a Dyslexic Pirate Say?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ RRAAAAAAAAAAA!
On March 19, 2005, salty ol' Cap'n Karikas said:
What has 8 legs, 8 arms and 8 eyes?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ 8 pirates.
On May 27, 2007, scurvy dog Renee said:
To err is human. To ARRR is pirate.
On November 11, 2007, barnacle-bitten Saltyfighter on Puzzle Pirates said:
What do you get when you cross a pirate with a zuchnni?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ A Squashbuckler!!!
On September 22, 2006, land-lubber owen said:
What goes thump-thump Arr!, thump-thump Arr!?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ A pirate falling down the stairs!
On September 9, 2010, seven-sea sailin' Pirate lass Laura said:
What is a pirate's favorite element?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Aye. Ye might say aarrrrgon, but no, it's the element of surprise!
On February 3, 2011, salty ol' Canoedad said:
How do pirates pay for a round o' rum down at the pub?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ With Bar-Nickels!
On November 21, 2006, scurvy knave Landen Flanders said:
A pirate had a parrot that wouldn't stop swearing. He tried everything. Finally one day, when the parrot started swearing, he threw it into the freezer and left it there for over an hour. Finally, the pirate retrieved his parrot from the freezer. The parrot came out, shaken, and said "I promise, I'll be good from now on. But, I have just one question... What did the turkey do?????"
On March 26, 2005, the dreaded Cap'n Karikas said:
Why do pirates always carry a bar of soap?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ So, if they're shipwrecked they can wash themselves to shore.
On December 18, 2005, barnacle-bitten Cap'n Karikas said:
A pirate with an eye patch seemed down at a bar. The bartender asked, "What's wrong?" The pirate replied, "Arrrgh, they wanted me to be a teacher... but I only had one pupil!"
On June 21, 2007, scurvy knave BrianYeButcher said:
The people that make all of these ARR! jokes should be what?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ ARRested!
On October 10, 2009, scurvy dog Courtland said:
Why don't pirates go to college?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Because they're C students!
On June 10, 2011, the most piratical Captain Rita Book--Mistress of the C'hai Seas said:
What do Jewish Pirates say?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Ahoy vey!
On September 19, 2007, captain Robert Moore said:
Why don't pirates make good life guards?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ They dont know C.P. ARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
On March 15, 2006, one-legged Cap'n Karikas (Danise in Florida) said:
A pirate captain walks into a bar with his first mate and they sit down at the bar. Now, the pirate captain has been a little down on his luck in the world of women, know what I mean? His first mate notices some lovely piratical wenches across the bar. "Arr, cap'n, you should go o'er thar and talk to her, ask her to dance, aye?" The captain replied "Arrrr, but what about me one eye? What if she makes fun of it?" "Don't worry cap'n," said the first mate. "She only has one leg! She won't say anything with that one peg leg." Convinced, the captain went over and immediately impressed the lady as pirates will do. He asked her if she'd like to dance. "Would EYE, Would EYE!" she exclaimed. "Oh yeah? Well... Peg Leg! Peg Leg!" replied the insulted captain!
On May 31, 2009, one-legged an Anonymous Pirate said:
Why did the pirate get an A+ in debate class?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Because he loved to ARRRRRRgue!
On February 15, 2013, one-eyed mike p said:
How does a pirate clean his ship?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ He has a Yarrrrrrrrd sale!
On January 5, 2007, chumbucket-lickin' Brad said:
Pirate 1: Arr, did you know I'm part Native American? Pirate 2: Oh really, What tribe?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Pirate 1: Eye-patchy!
On April 24, 2012, land-lubber Richie said:
In Battleship, why do pirates always lose?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Their ships are always on the "C"s!
On August 18, 2006, chumbucket-lickin' Barbi said:
What does a pirate take for indigestion?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Yo ho ho and a bottle of Tums!
On September 30, 2005, scurvy dog Cap'n Karikas said:
There was once a pirate who wanted to be a Private Eye. Unfortunately, he was blind. So what did he become?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ A privateer!
On April 17, 2007, chumbucket-lickin' Jeff McGuinness said:
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he is waiting for it he spots a pirate sitting in the corner of the bar. The pirate has two wooden arms and two wooden legs. Naturally curious, the man gets his drink, walks over to the pirate and asks, "Excuse me sir, I hope you don't mind but I couldn't help noticing that you have two wooden arms and two wooden legs. You must have been involved in some fierce sea battles?" The pirate looked up, paused and said, "Arrrr no... me father was a tree!"
On May 15, 2009, the sea-bitten Ranzoon said:
Why do pirates like to play Chinese Checkers?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Because it's got a star board!!!!
On March 19, 2005, the grog-addicted Cap'n Karikas said:
What does a vegan pirate do in jail?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve!
On September 19, 2005, one-legged Robert Bolton said:
What did the pirate say when someone asked him if he knew any pirate jokes?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Arrrrr you kidding me...
On May 20, 2006, the most piratical Jonny Bucco said:
What does a pirate from Boston say?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ AHHHHHHHHHHH!
On December 4, 2007, scurvy knave Jolly Holly said:
How does a pirate say "thank you" in Japanese?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ ARRRRRigato!!!
On February 21, 2010, the scurvy Kimmy said:
What do you call a pirate with a peg leg on ice?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ A protractor!!!
On September 19, 2007, barnacle-bitten Jake Tran said:
Why do all pirates have eyepatches?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Chuck Norris.
On July 7, 2007, regular scallywag Cap'n Karikas said:
When is a pirate like a bird?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ When he's a-robbin'!
On March 9, 2008, seven-sea sailin' Pete Allegretta said:
Whats a pirate's favorite part of a birthday party?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Da-Balloons!
On February 15, 2013, one-legged mike p said:
How does a pirate feel about his spouse?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's wife for me!
On February 3, 2011, seven-sea sailin' pap chmeer said:
What is a pirate minus a ship?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ A creative homless guy!!
On April 14, 2013, scurvy dog Andrrrrrrew said:
What's the next pirate Internet sensation?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Planking!!!
On May 2, 2006, seven-sea sailin' Sarikka said:
What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ The Arrrmy... no, the Navy, he's a pirate!
On October 5, 2006, the scurvy Capt' Bozo said:
Why don't pirates play sports?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ There is no AYE in team!
On August 17, 2007, the dreaded Alika said:
What is the name of the pirate tax office?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ The Aye. Arrr. S!
On March 14, 2009, the sea-bitten Burt Johnson said:
Do you know any pirate jokes?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Neither do "ayyyyyy!"
On October 5, 2009, land-lubber Tim M said:
Why did the baseball coach put the pirate in Center Field?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ 'Cause he had a cannon!! Arrrgh!
On October 22, 2006, land-lubber an Anonymous Pirate said:
Why did the pirate have a heart attack?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ He had a clogged ARRRRrrrr-tery!!
On June 11, 2007, regular scallywag piping plover said:
Why do pirates go to the opera?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ For the arrrrias and high c's!
On September 20, 2009, the sea-bitten Cap'n Karikas said:
Arr, they say that pirates are real tough. So tough, that they don't ever cry! But...
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ That's not true. They do cry, but when they do, it's a private tear!
On April 9, 2008, one-eyed Joseph said:
What do Mexican pirates eat?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Chili con cAAAARRRRrne!!!!
On December 18, 2005, seven-sea sailin' Cap'n Karikas said:
What do you call 1000 pirates in a room?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Avast conspiracy!
On July 8, 2006, the dreaded Pedro said:
What's a pirate's favorite play in basketball?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ A HOOK-SHOT!
On March 21, 2009, scurvy knave Genesis Phrigustus said:
A pirate walks into a bar... bang!
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Curse you eye patch and your side effect of poor depth perception!
On May 1, 2006, the sea-bitten Rob S. said:
What's a pirate's favorite pickup line?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ AAAAArrrrrr ya free Saturday night?
On November 22, 2009, the scurvy Dawson said:
What did the pirate say when someone tried to steal his turkey?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ No matey, that's ARRRR turkey!!!
On March 19, 2005, the most piratical Cap'n Karikas said:
How do you keep a pirate from robbing your house?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Fill you lawn with beavers!
On May 16, 2012, the dreaded Robin Yardley said:
If you see a person Not wearing a 3 cornered hat, not wearing an eye patch, without a wooden leg and with no parrot on his shoulder. What is he likely to be ?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ A pirate in disguise!
On July 16, 2006, scurvy knave Michael Capitano said:
Where did the Pirate learn to draw his sword?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ At the ARRRRT Institute!
On October 2, 2012, the dreaded an Anonymous Pirate said:
What did the pirate say when he lost his socks?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Where ARRR my socks?
On September 22, 2008, salty ol' liam said:
What does a pirate say when he falls of a building?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
On June 20, 2006, one-legged Valarie said:
What does pirate's dog say?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Aaaarrrrrf!
On April 21, 2010, seven-sea sailin' an Anonymous Pirate said:
Twittaaaaaaaarrr.....
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ that's it.
On April 9, 2006, one-legged Jeremy McCormick said:
Where do pirates put their stuff at the gym?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ In Davey Jones' Locker.
On March 12, 2006, the most piratical damo said:
Knock Knock. Who's there? Illsick. Illsick who?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Illsick ya in Davey Jones' locker if ya don't let me in!
On July 14, 2006, captain Christopher said:
What did the pet store sales clerk ask the pirate when he was buying his parrot?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ So will that be cash, check, or chaaahhhrrrge?
On May 29, 2007, one-legged Tony said:
What rating did the MPAA give to the pirate movie?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ PG-13, because it contained graphic violence, salty language and pAAAAArrrr-tial nudity!
On March 19, 2005, captain Cap'n Karikas said:
What does a pirate say when he really likes a song?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ ARRRGH that was off the hook!
On June 14, 2006, one-legged William said:
Whats do get when you put a pirate and a Ninja together?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ A Ninjarrrrrrr!
On December 1, 2008, salty ol' First Mate Purcell said:
What did the pirate say when he stubbed his toe?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ DARRRRRN!!!!
On December 15, 2008, captain yarrrrrrrr mom said:
What did the pirate throw at George W. Bush?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ His Sketcharrrrrrrrs!!!
On May 7, 2007, barnacle-bitten brad said:
what does a pirate say when he runs into an ex-girlfriend?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ AkwARRRrrrrrd!
On June 22, 2010, the sea-bitten Taylor said:
How does a parrot start a knock knock joke?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Squawk, squawk!
On September 17, 2007, salty ol' Charles said:
Being the son of God, Jesus obviously couldn't grow up to be a pirate, so what did he decide to be?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ A CARRRRpenter!
On November 22, 2009, scurvy knave Ashly said:
What did the pirate say to the little girl?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrren't you an ugly little thing??!!!!
On March 8, 2006, the dreaded Robert Paul McMahon said:
How many pirates with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Want to steal loot.
On March 19, 2005, regular scallywag Cap'n Karikas said:
After a pirate's parrot dies, what does he do with it?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ He BAAAAAAAAAAAARGH-B-Cues it.
On June 3, 2006, the sea-bitten Me name be Bonnie from Beaufarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt near the Arrrrrrrrrch said:
Why did the two pirate captains have a fight?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Because they're ARRRrrrch enemies!
On August 24, 2007, seven-sea sailin' an Anonymous Pirate said:
Why couldn't the pirate make the gymnastics team?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Because he couldn't do a CAAAAAAARRRGGGHT-wheel!
On September 27, 2006, seven-sea sailin' Haley Smith said:
What does a pirate call an open door?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Ajarrrrrrrrr!
On September 19, 2006, salty ol' James said:
How do pirates like their meat?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ ChAARRRRRRrrred!
On May 20, 2008, salty ol' canoedad said:
How did the captains of Spanish treasure ships keep their cool?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ They wore anti-pers-pirate!!!
On June 7, 2006, chumbucket-lickin' Andy said:
3 pirates walk into a bar...
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Ouch!
On August 3, 2006, barnacle-bitten Dean said:
What do you say to a pirate who cannot see out of his left eye?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Take off the patch ye scurvy pirate!
On March 20, 2005, barnacle-bitten Cap'n Karikas said:
How do pirates know when they are about to be attacked?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ They watch Sea-span!
On March 25, 2007, the dreaded Eve said:
What does a pirate say to his dog when it's time to go for a walk?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Arrrgh, it's time to walk the plank ye sea dog!
On September 12, 2007, the scurvy John-Peter said:
A pirate was on Wheel of Fortune, and it was his turn. The pirate said...
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ We'll try for an ARRRRHH!!
On May 24, 2007, land-lubber Myke said:
What did the Canadian Pirate name his son?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Aaron. There's 2 "Eh"s and an "ARRR!!"
On March 22, 2007, chumbucket-lickin' Bos'n's mate said:
Why do pirates like popsicles?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Arrrrrrtifical flavors!
On July 25, 2008, the most piratical Marcus said:
Why did the pirate run aground?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ His eye-patch was the wrong prescription!
On May 11, 2006, barnacle-bitten Captain Karikas said:
What do pirates have in common with serial killers?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ They both have pieces of eight lying about the house!
On July 2, 2006, the scurvy Anis Abuzeid said:
On a scale from 1-10 I rate cherry pie an 11! That's my famous "pie rate" joke!
On September 20, 2006, the grog-addicted Suryakant said:
A pirate walks into a bar. It's a strange looking pirate. The bartender asks him, "Hey, what's with the green skin and pointy ears?" The pirate says... "I'm from MARRRRRRRRRRS!!"
On November 8, 2009, barnacle-bitten Ashly said:
What do pirates hate the most???
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ A broken HEARRRRRRT!!!
On December 18, 2005, salty ol' Cap'n Karikas said:
Why did the pirate ship look so good?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ They used varrrrrrrnish!
On June 16, 2009, scurvy dog Captain "Cannon Balls" MacFadyen said:
Why do young pirates always fail when saying the alphabet in kindergarten?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Because their fathers insist that there are seven Cs!!!!
On August 13, 2005, scurvy knave Cap'n Karikas said:
Why did the pirate speak so clearly?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ He was very ARRRRrrrrrticulate!
On August 14, 2007, the most piratical Marlo Diaz said:
What's white and hops around a pirate ship?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Arrrrrrrrrabbit!
On December 18, 2005, one-eyed Cap'n Karikas said:
What is a pirate's favorite snack?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Marrrrrrshmallows!
On June 27, 2006, the grog-addicted Francis Mad Tongue said:
Which pirate song won an Oscar for best original ditty in 2006?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ It's HARRRrrrrrd Out Here for a Pimp!
On September 19, 2006, captain Genevieve Atkerson said:
What is a pirate receptionist scared of?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Getting CAAARRRRRpal Tunnel!
On December 18, 2005, captain Cap'n Karikas said:
What is a pirate's favorite baseball team?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ The Pirates (duh!)
On June 27, 2007, the grog-addicted Undead Sea Monkey said:
Knock knock. Who's there? Pirate Walking. Pirate Walking who? Pirate walking on two wooden legs!
On March 12, 2007, regular scallywag Cliff Williams said:
Who be a pirate's least favorite Van Halen singer?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Sammy Hagarrrrr!
On December 18, 2005, regular scallywag Cap'n Karikas said:
Who do pirates prefer to rob?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ The ARRRristocracy!
On December 18, 2005, scurvy dog Cap'n Karikas said:
Why don't pirates attack whalers?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ They have harrrrrrrpoons!
On July 23, 2007, the scurvy Lolly lala said:
What's a pirates favorite disease?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Scurrrrrrrrrrrvy!
On September 18, 2007, the dreaded olivia said:
What's a pirates favorite thing to do to people?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Surrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgery!
On July 27, 2006, regular scallywag Ashleh Wicks said:
Why did the pirate lose his business?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ Because of his CAARRRRRRRRRRbon emissions!
On October 28, 2011, scurvy knave Blackbeards Beard said:
Tell me mateys, what is a pirates favorite method of travel?
Stab here for the punchline! 🗡️ You might think its a pirate ship, but indeed, its a FERARRRRRRRRRRRRRI!!!