Pirate Stories

After the storm the pirate captain was marooned on a deserted island. As he explored his desolate surroundings, he noticed that he couldn't find any wildlife.

There was plenty of fresh water, an abundance of coconuts and tropical fruit, and even a nice cache of rum. Finally, after days of searching, he thought he heard the sound of a chicken clucking.

When he found the source of the sound it was actually a parrot prancing around making the clucking sounds of a chicken.

The pirate told the parrot "Stop that clucking. You're not a chicken. You're a parrot. There are no chickens on this bloody island."

The parrot ignored him and continued to prance around saying "Cluck, cluck, cluck, I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken."

The pirate couldn't believe how stupid the parrot was, so he repeated, "I said, stop that clucking! You're not a chicken! You're a parrot! There are no chickens on this bloody island!"

The parrot ignored him again and pranced around saying "Cluck, cluck, cluck, I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken."

The pirate took out his knife and this time he said "I'm really hungry, I think I'll eat this stupid chicken!"

As the parrot flew away, he squawked "I'm a parrot! I'm a parrot! There are no stupid chickens on this bloody island!"

On a scale from 1-10 I rate cherry pie an 11!

That's my famous "pie rate" joke!

A pirate walks into a bar. It's a strange looking pirate. The bartender asks him,

"Hey, what's with the green skin and pointy ears?"

The pirate says...
"I'm from MARRRRRRRRRRS!!"

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Pirate Walking.
Pirate Walking who?

Pirate walking on two wooden legs!

Pirate Blackbeard's ship license had expired so he went into the shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he needed an updated photo of himself.

So, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer's room and asked to have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, "Ok, please pose front on" and took a photo.

He need to take another photo so he asked Blackbeard to "Please Poseidon!"

A pirate captain goes up to his first mate after a raid on a coastal village;
"A good haul I hope" says the captain.
"I'm afraid not captain," replied the first mate. "I think we picked a poor village to raid," he continued.
"What!" exclaimed the captain, "How much money did you get?"
"All we found were a few copper coins," replied the first mate.
"Did you try the church? Did they have any fine tapestries or Holy treasures?" asked the Captain.
"All we got was a wooden alter," replied the first mate.
"What about the farms?" asked the captain. "Did they have any animals we can eat, or sell at market?"
"One donkey" replied the first mate.
"One donkey!" exclaimed the Captain.
"Aaaargh" replied the first mate, and he continued .................
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.................
(Wait for it)
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"It was the only bray in the pillage."

There once was a pirate captain, he lorded over the seas. There were none as brave as this pirate captain. One day as the sun was just peeping over the horizon, a crew member awoke to see that there was a ship heading toward their own precious vessel- their own precious vessel that was the home to countless priceless genuine artifacts.

As soon as he spied this unfriendly colony sailing toward his own precious ship, the crewman ran {as fast as he could with only one leg} to his beloved captains quarters crieing out cries of "Captain! captain! Oh one who lords so lordly over the seas, there is a ship nearing these waters! I dont think it wise to remain in slumber whilst such a danger is advancing upon us!"

The captain, tired from a long night partying the previous evening, merely waved his hand at the dedicated crewman and replied "See, thats why I am the captain"