Pirate Stories

A pirate captain walks into a bar with his first mate and they sit down at the bar. Now, the pirate captain has been a little down on his luck in the world of women, know what I mean? His first mate notices some lovely piratical wenches across the bar.

"Arr, cap'n, you should go o'er thar and talk to her, ask her to dance, aye?"

The captain replied "Arrrr, but what about me one eye? What if she makes fun of it?"

"Don't worry cap'n," said the first mate. "She only has one leg! She won't say anything with that one peg leg."

Convinced, the captain went over and immediately impressed the lady as pirates will do. He asked her if she'd like to dance.

"Would EYE, Would EYE!" she exclaimed.

"Oh yeah? Well... Peg Leg! Peg Leg!" replied the insulted captain!

A man walks into a pet store and says, "I'm playing Long John Silver in the play Treasure Island, and I'm looking for a parrot. Can you sell me one?" The pet store owner says, "You don't want a real parrot, it'll squawk all the time and poop on your shoulder, and what if it falls off during the play?" The man says, "Well, I want to be as realistic as possible." The pet store owner says, "I've got a stuffed parrot you can use. Can you pick it up on Thursday?"

"Oh, I can't come on Thursday. That's when I'm getting my leg cut off."

A Pirate with a Wooden Eye walked into a Scanty Bar.

There he saw a Beautiful Gal drinking alone at the bar, dangling a peg leg over the barstool, and looking lonely.

She had a Harelip but she was a woman he could not over look.

So, he walked on over on his Peg Leg and asked, “Hey little
darling, would you like to belly-up for a few drinks with me,” and she answered, “Would I, Would I,” and the Pirate retorted, “Harelip, Harelip!”

Top 10 things overheard at the dinner table that show your child is quickly becoming a pirate

(10) "You can flog me, but I'm not eating creamed spinach."

(9) "I've buried me treasure in the mashed potatoes."

(8) "I'll need another ration of grog if you expect me to eat these peas."

(7) "Your tuna noodle casserole would be perfect to fill cracks in the deck."

(6) "This chicken tastes like the parrot I was forced to eat after being marooned on an island for 30 days."

(5) "I wouldn't serve brussel sprouts to even the prisoners in the brig."

(4) "If I eat all my food, can I plunder the neighbors before I go to bed?"

(3) "This burger is fatty enough to grease a mast."

(2) "Too many vegetables - too little shark."

(1) "What did they do with the last cook's body after he was hung from the yardarm?"

So this pirate walks into a bar and sits next to a drunken wench.

The wench looks him over and says, "Nice pirate outfit. Where'd you get your earrings?"

The pirate says, "Arr, I bought one from the dollar store on the other side of town and I got the other from the dollar store across the street."

So the wench exclaims, "Wow! Not bad for a buck-an-ear!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he is waiting for it he spots a pirate sitting in the corner of the bar. The pirate has two wooden arms and two wooden legs. Naturally curious, the man gets his drink, walks over to the pirate and asks, "Excuse me sir, I hope you don't mind but I couldn't help noticing that you have two wooden arms and two wooden legs. You must have been involved in some fierce sea battles?"

The pirate looked up, paused and said, "Arrrr no... me father was a tree!"

A pirate and his crew were busy plundering a ship. When he entered the captain's quarters, he saw the captain hunched over a table, obviously deep in thought. When the captain didn't move, the pirate came closer with cutlass raised, but stopped short when he noticed that the captain was involved in a game of chess ... with a parrot! The pirate watched for a few seconds, and soon the captain made a move. "Good move! Good move!" the parrot cried, "Nice! Nice!"

Well, needless to say, the pirate was quite impressed. "Arrgh, matey! That be quite the talented parrot ye be playin' against thar," he said.

The captain looked up at the pirate, somewhat startled, as he had been so involved with the game that he had not noticed the tar standing there. "Ahh, he's not so smart," he replied, "I've beaten the blighter two out of three." (Bah-dum-dum)

"So what would the bird do if ye made a blunder?" asked the pirate.

"Somersaults," was the quick reply.

"Somersaults?" the pirate said, "That be incredble! How many would it be doin' then?"

"That would depend on how hard I slap him."

A pirate walks into a bar with a huge multi coloured parrot on his shoulder.
The barkeep, amazed at this sight, says "Now where did you get that!?"

The parrot replies "Pirate Bay, the place is loaded with 'em!!"

A pirate recently retired and joined the American Association of Retired, Reprehensible, Rapacious, Rabid Guys, otherwise known as AARRRRG!

First sailor: I know a pirate with a wooden leg named Smith!

Second sailor: What's the name of his other leg?

A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "You shouldn't be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal."
The pirate says, "Arr, it's ok, he's had his shots."
Then the bartender says... "I was talking to the parrot!"

Two Pirates on a ship, one says "Yarrr!"

The other says "I was just thinkin' the same thing matey"

This pirate wants to buy a parrot. So, he
goes to the pet shop and asks this guy about this parrot. The guy says if you put a lighter under its right wing it sings a song. The pirate wonders what it would sing if the pirate puts the lighter under the parrot's tail. He holds his lighter under its tail, and the parrot begins to sing: "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire!"

After a particuliarly long fight at sea the winning captain comes ashore to find a large crew of media. The reporters fight to ask questions before the Captain finally singles out one attractive, young reporter, who asks: "Captain, Where did you learn such amazing tactics? was it the Navy?"

The Captain, obviously amused replied:
"Well it sure wasn't the ARRRRRmy!"

A pirate is standing in the paper goods aisle of his local grocery store. He's been standing there looking for 30 minutes when the manager comes up and asks, "You have been here for quite awhile sir. Can I help you find something?"

The Pirate turns and says "No matey, I just can't decide between the Bounty or the CHARRRRRRRRmin!"